Cocotel’s Weblog

I just want to fucking disappear, be gone but then i’d never get to find out what it’s like to live an leave something behind you. But hell, not here, i want out. Out of this place and out of this body, i’d rather be 39 years old and then i could die. I think i would have rather lived 150 years ago, that woul have been nice, healthier for me, anyways. I think i should never have been born to begin with, that would have spare me a lot of pain. It woyuld have spared people a lot of grief, and if i never was, then how could i ever regret not being? But then again, there’s not so many people out there who would mourn me, my family, they care from a distance, my friends, which i estrange, my lover, whom i cannot prove my love to. So it just might be better, i might have been right all along, maybe i should just issapear and all would be well. But what if there’s a heaven, and worse, at that, a hell? Pain was never a welcome guest of mine, not even self-inflicted, not even when i called it, for i have always wished it gone. So, an eternity of it. that i coul never bear. My hopes and dreams of this worl shatter, just like i do myself, falling to pieces every time, and, thinking of some other realm, i can only linger upon nightmares and fears.

I’ll cower again, i’ll hide and pray it away, and hope it gone. Good god, after all these yars, here i am, still afraid of the dark.